“Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord.”  (Leviticus 19:18)

Today I would like to talk about the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Many people look at these as one of the same, but they are not.  Because there is a misunderstanding of both terms, many see forgiveness as impossible because reconciliation is impossible.  Fortunately for us these actions are not dependent on each other, but are mutually independent.  Satan would like to join them together as two sides of the same coin and the result is often neither forgiveness nor reconciliation.  God’s Word gives us the proper perspective on these two very important aspects of the Christian life.

Holding grudges is not advantageous to anyone.  It is not something that ever leads to healing.  In fact, holding on to grudges leads to one of the most ill-advised attitudes in the Word- bitterness.  A famous comedian once said that he never carries a grudge because while he is carrying a grudge against someone, “they are out dancing.”  This is so true.  The weight of the grudge is carried mainly on the shoulders of one.  Often the grudge-holder is the only one who knows a grudge is being held.  At other times, the grudge-holder is the only one who cares that a grudge is being held.  More often than not, the grudge-holder loses more sleep, energy, and health than the one against whom the grudge is being held.  Yet, with all these thing in mind, we still hold grudges and still get bitter, to our own detriment.

No matter how much we nurse a grudge, it will never get better.  Nursing it makes it worse.  We have a multitude of excuses to keep it going but few reasons.  The Word instructs us to, “Put away all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander, along with all malice.” (Ephesians 4:31)  Why?  Because it is a useless endeavor.  James says,  “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? (James 4:1)  Our inside battles result in outside ones.  When we war within ourselves because we allow bitterness against others to grow, we cannot grow ourselves.  Bitterness is a weed that chokes out the good growth within us.

When Leonardo DaVinci painted the last supper he decided to get back at an enemy by making his face the one of Judas.  The last face he had to paint was Jesus, but he could not get it right.  After laboring for weeks, in desperation he went back and changed the face of Judas to someone he did not know.  It was only then he was able to paint the face of Jesus.  Our bitterness against others will keep us from seeing the face of Jesus.  Not surprisingly, while DaVinci labored over the painting, his enemy was totally oblivious to the battle DaVinci was having.  Who then was suffering?  So it is with our grudges. So it is with our bitterness.  DaVinci needed to heed the verses in Hebrews, “Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.” (Hebrews 12:14,15)  We should not let our hate of others keep us from experiencing the love of the Lord.

There is no doubt that bitterness and grudges are heavy loads to carry.  In days past, armies had to carry their cannonballs around with them just in case they came across an enemy.  It made the travel difficult and cumbersome.  However, they felt it necessary to have the cannonballs “just in case.”  The enemy, which was traveling much more light, was often oblivious to the load the other army was carrying.  One army was burdened and slow, the other was unencumbered and fast.  Often when the armies did meet, fatigue of carrying a load made combat difficult and the cannonball-wielding army would lose. So it is with us.  The fatigue of carrying grudges just so we can be on the offensive if the opportunity might arise makes us so weak that we have little strength for anything else.  The other person, often not even knowing we are carrying a grudge, has been traveling through life lightly and is strong while we are frail- eaten away by our own bitterness.

So does forgiveness mean the same thing as reconciliation.  To forgive must we reconcile?  I don’t think those two things are the same things.  “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19)  What God is addressing here is what we are responsible for and what God is responsible for.  We are not God and we cannot be the judge and jury in His stead.  Forgiveness takes only our partnership with God, reconciliation must include another willing party.  That is important to understand.  Just because we have not reconciled with someone does not mean we have not forgiven. But be aware.  Forgiveness as God expresses it, is something deep, something real.  We cannot just say we forgive, we must really forgive. If we cannot be reconciled to another, we must be sure that our forgiveness is complete.  If not, we might think the lack of reconciliation is the other person’s fault when it is really our own attitude standing in the way!

It is important to note that forgiveness of an act is not necessarily acceptance of that act. If we forgive someone for what he or she has done, we are not condoning the behavior.  Forgiveness is for us.  It lifts from us a burden that would otherwise weigh us down.  The other person might not ever care if we do not forgive. They may see their act as justified, no matter how wrong it is.  We cannot change other’s attitudes or actions if they do not want to change.  What forgiveness does is takes away another’s control over us.  It eliminates the knot in our stomach or ache in our head every time we cross their path.  Forgiveness does not necessarily put us in right relationship with the other person, but with God.  By having a right relationship with God, we now have power to put bitterness where it should be- not just buried, but destroyed.

Often times we hold our grudges because we think it is our responsibility to see justice done or at the least, let others know what they have done wrong or at least how much they have hurt us.  But that is a burden we cannot take upon ourselves.  Our chances, as the offended, of causing remorse in the offender, is pretty slim.  More often than not God will have to bring a third party or circumstance into the other person’s life to make any changes.  Our ability to change others is pretty limited and to change others who have offended us is even more difficult.  Usually the only thing we will achieve, will be changing ourselves into unhealthy, bitter, people.

Forgiveness is the condition of our hearts.  Reconciliation is the condition of a relationship.  Our heart condition involves us alone.  Reconciliation involves at least two people.  Any effort that involves more than one person takes some level of cooperation.  Reconciliation takes a right heart from all parties.  Forgiveness frees our hearts, but does not guarantee the heart condition of another.  True reconciliation necessitates a trustworthiness of everyone involved or it will eventually come apart.

When Elizabeth Barrett Browning married Robert Browning her tyrannical father disowned her.  For years Elizabeth never gave up on the relationship and every week wrote letters to her parents.  She never received a reply.  After ten years she received a box with every one of her letters, unopened.  Today those letters are some of the most beautiful writings in English literature.  Had her parents read them maybe their relationship could have been healed.  But the truth is, not even the most beautiful words in English literature can reconcile a heart that is hardened.  Elizabeth Browning had forgiven her father because forgiveness was up to her.  Elizabeth Browning was not reconciled with her father because reconciliation was up to both of them.

So there is a difference between reconciliation and forgiveness. On the cross, Jesus provided for the forgiveness of everyone. But not everyone will be reconciled with Him.  Forgiveness is extended because of who Jesus is, and if reconciliation with Him does not take place, it is because of who we are.   Some of us reject reconciliation with the risen Christ, even though He has done His part.  Christ did not wait for our move for reconciliation before he forgave us.  In the same way, we should not withhold forgiveness waiting for someone to seek reconciliation with us.

The writer of Hebrews tells us, “See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.” (Hebrews 12:15)  Instead of sowing bitterness, we should prepare the ground with forgiveness in the hope that someday reconciliation will grow.  We are told to forgive, “Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive,” (Colossians 3:13) so that reconciliation might be possible,  “All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation.” (2 Corinthians 5:18)  Forgiveness on our part might take place without reconciliation, but reconciliation cannot take place without forgiveness.  Take off the heavy pack of unforgiveness and see how much easier it is to travel without it.